the wedding stinger

Adam and I privately committed to each other one bitterly cold night in West Virginia in 2003. We had been together for a year at that time, and both knew that this was it. The subject of marriage honestly never came up for a long time after that. But then one day it did…

We got “engaged” during a vacation to the Northwest. There was no proposal and no exchange of rings, but we decided it was a good idea to publicly commit and get it over with. We initially had the idea to have a big, informal outdoor wedding. Low key, everyone welcome, fun for all. Before I knew it demands were piling up from all directions. Apparently our vision was not paramount in this event, but to be diplomatic, we refocused and tried to plan an intimate family affair at a bed and breakfast. This may have been ill-fated from the start. To understand why, here is a bit of background on my family.
My parents have been divorced since I was 11, following several years of an on-again, off-again struggle. At one point during this time, my grandmother physically assaulted my mother, who still claims to have PTSD from this incident. Let’s just say the relationship between the two sides is not pretty. After the divorce, my mom found her hippie side and now resides in a commune growing edible plants. My father subsequently bought a mail-order bride, thinking that he could subjugate her. I guess he did not do much research regarding Filipino women.
Now, added to this train wreck comes Adam’s ultraliberal PhD parents, lesbian sister, and outspoken New Jersey grandmother. Uh oh.
The notion that these people could get along in close quarters for a weekend seems absurd now, but at the time I entertained the notion as logical. But demands continued to escalate in terms of what was expected. Ironically, resources were dwindling to nonexistence. The pinnacle occurred during a two week correspondence with my father about the $800 down payment for the bed and breakfast. He had told me “the check is in the mail” several times, but it never arrived. Perhaps he had more insight into this potential disaster than I did.
I was fed up. “Adam, do you want to get married tomorrow?” It was Monday evening. Tomorrow I had a three hour break between classes.
“Well, I was going to go kayaking in the afternoon. Could we do it late morning?”
We debated on whether to call our parents, and ultimately decided that it was only fair. His mother threw a fit and told us she was coming. My mother was upset that his mother was coming and demanded that she come, but that we had to work around her schedule. The only fair thing to do was forbid all friends or family from participating. We did not tell anyone else and went to the courthouse alone on November 9, 2004. It was surprisingly easy to get married. We paid our money and a clerk helped us find an available judge. He asked if we had any family or witnesses with us. When we said no, he told us that people who get married in secret are often hiding something. I told him “That’s interesting. So, is there a staff person who can witness?” After all, I had to be back at school soon so there was no time to waste listening to paternalistic speeches.
After we got hitched, Adam went kayaking and I went back to class. We eventually bought some rings from a pawn shop to really cinch the deal. Do I regret not having a wedding? Hell no. I do wish some things had gone differently with respect to this whole affair, but our families eventually forgave us. It was a good lesson in relinquishing control.